… And my parents’ reminded me each day of my childhood that I should be a good daughter, my siblings told me that I should be a good sister, my teachers wanted me to be a good student. But none of them taught me what is the real definition of “good” and when it is perfectly ok to be ”not good”. By the time you will reach at the end of this blog, you’d know what is “not good” in my terms.
Have we not come across this “being good” show off? Why is there so much emphasising on being a good and why do we forget to shed some positive light on otherwise? It is equally important to clarify when it is necessary to be “not good”! We have been raising our daughters/sons with the high expectations to be a “good girl/good boy” and mistakenly we have forgotten to teach them the “not good” aspect. Or how about we just let them be a girl/boy!! I don’t see anything wrong either way as long as we are limiting the “good” to encourage them and not creating our own definition to fulfil some unrealistic expectations.
In the past times, our parents/grandparents created their definition of ‘what good should be’ and most of us have been brought up that way. Hand on my heart I am one of those! I learnt, being a good girl means, ensuring everyone around me is happy, doing things to please others, which means I should not argue or disagree to elders, respect them, obey their commands, make it work for them. It was all about “others” and I did not see anything wrong in it as the other girls around me in my generation were doing the same! Now I think, who invented this “great concept”? Did we really need this adjective while we were being raised and while we are raising our children? I feel pain when I overheard a conversation between parents and child where parents are telling their child to be a “good boy/girl” in order to get the things done. Please be mindful next time when you use this little words to your child.
Expectations V/s Demands!!!
See the people around you- your family, your friends, your school/university, your work, your neighbours/community, your state, your nation, even your own self. Each one has expectations from you, true? And these expectations come in parts. Well, they come in each stage and age of life! In fact, the expectations rule our life. We thrive to achieve the expectations of all depended/close people in our life. In other words, we live for others most of the times. I never realised this until I have experienced this in past relationship. I too forgot to live for myself.
Now I know that an “expectation” can be to make yourself and the others around you happy, safe and secure but not at the cost of your own needs/wishes. It’s that simple and possible to achieve. It doesn’t require any rocket science or massive efforts to make this possible, agreed? Now, this becomes an issue when people’s expectations (unintentionally/intentionally) shape into demands and make the other person a guilty conscience. When you expect something from someone and you don’t get it, it hurts! But how many times, you actually think about the other person who tried their level best to make it happen and it couldn’t happen. Okay, a simple example of an expectant mother and the whole family’s/society’s expectations from her. But when she has that miscarriage, who lost the most? It is always, the one, from whom you were expecting! So next time, you expect something from someone, and you don’t get it, appreciate the other person for their efforts instead of complaining and moaning. The other person has suffered higher losses than yours. Whether you were expecting from your parents, partner, spouse, child, brother, sister, friend or anyone. Think differently next time and I assure your bonding will get better and not bitter J
Basically, high expectations lead to increasing demands and continuous, rigorous efforts to meet those expectations. When the other person can’t fulfil your expectations, it leads to disappointments, bitterness and unhappiness. Each time there have been high expectations in relations/families, etc., the weaker the bonding gets and eventually that leads to more arguments and disagreements. I have done a basic research over the past 3 weeks and my research concludes that people love to fulfil expectations when there are genuine expectations and not rigid demands! People feel when they can’t meet the expectations, they are not doing a good job or they’re not worthy!!
Even though some of us are aware of those thin lines between an expectation and a demand, why aren’t we educating our generation to watch out for those? Why our daughters-in-laws are being threatened and tortured when she can’t become a mother or simply she doesn’t want to? Why she has to go through those emotional manipulations to undergo an abortion when she wants to give birth to that child of hers? Why our sons are expected to provide for the whole family? Why he has to fulfil his parents’ dreams all the times and look after everyone in the family? Do you think these are genuine expectations from our children i.e., daughter-in-laws/wives/sisters/sons/brothers? How would they been feeling each time, they’ve failed to achieve our unrealistic expectations, which I name as demands! You have raised your children to be a “good” children BUT how many times have you taught them to speak out for themselves when they feel that expectations are becoming demands and tightening their wings to fly free from all distress? It’s perfectly acceptable to be “not good” in such situation where you feel your needs are compromised and the importance of your life/happiness is not considered by the expectant.
I still recall my teenage, childish, girlie days! Ha! Each day I was reminded that I need to be good daughter at all the times and especially when I get married, I have to be a “good daughter-in-law” or else my in-laws will disrespect the maternal family, etc. The good intentions of our parents to teach us to behave nicely becomes our second nature and they create a fear in our subconscious mind that we end up sticking to one route of “being good”! We think everything is acceptable and we need to be good for the rest of our life. Some of us have been misled about the consequences of being “not good” from the early days. We have been taught that the family/society is depended on us, if we will not be good children then the whole family will be at shame or the whole society will criticise us, etc. Another fear. I mean seriously?
We, girls (daughters/daughter-in-laws/sisters/wives/mothers, etc.), are expected to be good to everyone and everywhere no matter what! (The majority of population think this way and I am proud of those who are exceptions and thinking different) Something unacceptable happens, the girl is asked to stay quiet/give it some time to heal/adjust herself into the situation/forget it/ignore it. Bang! Boom! The research says, As women have edge over men due to their high Emotional Quotient, we, girls/women have hard times saying NO to others. Hence we are the highest sufferers of depression/anxiety/cancer/mental disorders/domestic abuse, etc. Should we raise our girls to be strong enough to say NO as often as required? And we will be living in a happier world altogether.
It’s 2017 and it’s imperative that we start teaching our children (not only daughters) that when a simple expectation starts shaping into a demand, you’re not responsible for adhering to that expectation. You have right to live happily and not to put stress on yourself in order to meet that demand.
1. Learn to say “NO” when you can’t do things or things are actually beyond of your control. It’s better to deny early than getting the expectations rise above all levels. It would hurt both/all of you first but at least you will be relieved and you will be able to put your efforts into more productive things. By saying “NO” you are looking after yourself and respecting your happiness and peacefulness.
2. Try to make others independent that they don’t have to rely on you to fulfil their expectations.
3. Be open and talk it out how you feel, what are the other alternatives. And by discussing to find alternatives, you are also showing your commitment towards the other person. It’s not a disrespecting anyone’s expectations.
4. Identify a realistic expectation and a demand. It’s acceptable to be “not good” when you feel so.
Let an expectation be an expectation and not a demand! Even better? Have no expectation from each other!! And, Let every one potter around at peace rather than suffocating someone’s happiness.
Love ya,
Single mum is on fire XX
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